Life | {scrambled}

Go figure…writer’s block had been in full force all day long until the moment my head should have been hitting the pillow. My munchkin has been tucked in bed, with a kiss on top of her head, and one floating through the air that I blew her way, as I made my way to tuck in my sick husband. Normally I would cozy up next to him, and let his heartbeat soothe me to sleep, but tonight I have quite the kettle of thoughts boiling. So I poured me a cup of hot tea, and am leaving the kettle on high.  

It feels like the past 72 hours have been a whirlwind of thoughts, decisions, and repetitive conversations. My brain probably resembles scrambled eggs at this point. Actually, there is no probably about it. I have always been an over thinker, and when you throw in a big life change you can bet my mind is fried. Maybe because it spent so much time frying my scrambled brain for breakfast. The thing about it is I am really excited about this big life change. The only problem is, I am not a fan of change. Or so I say. For a girl who claims she hates change, she sure changes her mind. A Lot. And considering it’s probably my least favorite thing about myself, this change has me feeling a little bit like a mouse instead of a lion. It’s not that I have any doubts about this change, its that I find myself facing a struggle that I have faced many times in my life, one that sometimes gets me feeling a little sheepish, or mousish (but I’m pretty sure that’s not a word)
 ***If you’ll please put your nonjudgmental reading glasses on, the kettle is really starting to boil…. 
See, for most of my life I have been on a search for “what I want to be when I grow up.” I envy those who have found the answer to this question early on. I envy those who knew what they wanted to be, long before they grew up. I envy those who have followed a single path that has lead them to where they are now. Me, I feel like I have been on an under-construction-highway, full of detours, and roadblocks for the majority of my life. 

For the past year and a half I have been driving along the same route, convincing myself that I was going in the right direction. I was determined to be going in the right direction. I didn’t care how many road signs told me to stop and reevaluate. To stop and read the signs. I didn’t stop, I kept going. I kept driving forward on the same desolate path so people would believe that I was on the right track, that I had reached my final destination. I had everyone convinced that I had figured out, insert quotations, what I wanted to be when I grow up. Everyone, that is, except the person behind the wheel. 

When I finally decided to pull over, and look at my map, I realized I had been on the wrong path for far too long. A change was inevitable, and as excited as I was that God blessed me quickly with a new direction, I still sensed my past insecurities coming forward. The past couple days, I opened up an old book- The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and started writing in the journal that accompanies it. Something that I have learned about myself while writing my way through the first couple chapters, is that a lot of times I am driven by the expectations of others. I want others to look at me and think I have this whole grown up thing figured out. I want my daughter to talk about me with pride to her peers at school. I want my husband to feel like his wife is successful. I want those who have doubted me in my past, to think I have made it. But 
“ultimately, what matters most will not be what others say about [my] life, but what God says about [me].” 

I have re-read that sentence one hundred times this weekend. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that, I might very well be the most indecisive human being walking this earth, but God knows my heart, and what it beats for. He knows my priorities, and what my focus intends to be, even when I miss the signs. Where I am today, turning yet again onto a new path, is where I am supposed to be. It might not be the life someone else would expect, and that is okay with me. I change my direction, more often than some, but that choice is mine to make. I may still struggle sometimes with comparing myself to those who are living their grow up plan, but guess what, I’m still growing. And I am at peace with the fact that I don’t have it all figured out… yet. Because I know that the pages of my story are still being written by a God who has a purpose, and a plan. 

{A plan to give me the future I hope for}
 -Jeremiah 29:11 


I am beyond excited to see where this new path leads. My intentions are to take my next steps with this one purpose in mind… To center my life on God’s plan, and not worry about the expectations of others. I may not have a title for “what I want to be when I grow up,” but I do have a title for what I want to be going forward, and that is driven by God’s expectations. 
Turning the kettle off now, and handing over the wheel. May your week be blessed with fried eggs, not scrambled! 

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