life| strong.

img_3515I tend to linger on the thumbs up side of life… or at least I only let the world see that side. I pride myself in being able to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel instead of the darkness inside the tunnel. But some days aren’t always easy. Some things we face are uncertain, and scary, and painful. Sometimes the light feels so far away that you aren’t sure if it’s really even a light after all.

For those who don’t know, I underwent major surgery on Friday to remove a few rather large benign tumors in my uterus. In the process my doctor discovered I have endometriosis- how severe, how long I’ve had it, how it will affect my fertility? Those are all questions that remain unanswered right now as my recovery is my main goal. I would be lying if I told you that I sit here today still able to give a thumbs up. My emotions have faltered on unsteady ground the last few days. As I lay here feeling slightly like I got trampled by a team of horses, my outlook is rather weak.

My body is weak. My voice is weak. My mind is weak. My faith is weak.

But one thing I know is, in the midst of my weakness, there is a God who is STRONG. 

A God who will heal not only my physical wounds, but my emotional ones as well.

A God who will be beside me the day the doctors deliver the answers.

A God who is fighting to bring good from all of this.

A God who has a future and a plan for me.

A God who is covering me with His Grace, knowing that He is all I need.

For when I am weak, He is STRONG.

{2 Corinthians 12:10} ❤️

For those wondering about my recovery. It is going pretty well. I woke up from surgery in a very grumpy mood. I wasn’t the nicest patient, and wasn’t a fan of my post op nurse. The feeling was mutual I’m sure, but in my overly anxious mind I thought I was dying, and she wasn’t exactly being the most compassionate about it. My breathing wasn’t normal, thanks to the anesthesia and when you have anxiety, not being able to breath often leads to hyperventilation which then causes hand tingling and ones mind to immediately think death is imminent. I did not die thankfully, and I did so well in surgery my doctor let me go home that day. That, or my nurse paid the doctor to get rid of me.

My first day home, my mouth and throat were extremely dry which caused me to choke. Note to anyone who has surgery—do not try to eat saltine crackers, you might die. Subway is a choking hazard also. Soft foods is the way to go. Bananas are my best friend.  I did a lot of sleeping once I got home. I have 4 incisions- A small one on my left side, directly above my belly button, and on my right side, then I have a large incision above my right hip about 2 inches long. My doctor said trying to remove the baseball size tumors was the hardest part so I have quite a bit of pain on my right side. Thankfully, I have found I can get comfortable on my left side. My left ear is screaming in protest, but it pails in comparison to how my side feels. I am able to walk, although I look like I have osteoporosis. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse into the future, and I think I will be a very cute grandma, if I don’t say so myself.

Yesterday was a really rough day. I woke up extremely weak, and nauseated, and trying to throw up when your stomach has been ripped open is something I hope I never have to experience again. I don’t think I ate enough the day before and add in pain medicine, it wasn’t a pretty picture. I thought I was dying. Shocker. I lived to tell the story though so thank god for that! All these glimpses of death sure make me thankful for life. I spent all but I think 4 hours in bed yesterday, and went back to sleep at 7 and slept until 9 this morning. I woke up feeling pretty good and almost forgot that my uterus is angry at me—after a little burst of energy it quickly reminded me though with sharp kicks, and muscle spasms. So I have retired to the recliner, and willed myself to type all of this. It’s been a wonderful distraction, but it is time for rest. (Blame my bad grammar on the drugs.)

Please keep me in your prayers! I have a long road to recovery ahead of me, but I’m thankful that the hardest part is over, and I am trusting that God’s best is coming next!

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2 Responses to life| strong.

  1. Anonymous says:

    You are a terrific person! Hang in there. You are blessed in so many ways I feel great things coming your way!


  2. Somewhere in this world is a baby who has absolutely nothing, no family, no home, no future. Sometimes our children come directly from God’s hand instead of from our bodies. :). Love you!


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